Thursday, February 2, 2012

Googling the EX

I Googled my ex today. I really have no rationale why, other than morbid curiosity. I was sitting at my computer, intending to work on my writing while the kiddo slept and before I knew what my fingers were doing his name was typed into my Google box.

It wasn't a normal Google search, I searched for images, not really wanting to wade through hundreds of websites to find the right one. Of course, he has a pretty common name and just as I was chastising myself for being stupid (after all I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, I make chirping birds want to vomit) and gliding my cursor up to look for something more important (Facebook) when I saw him. But it wasn't just him, it was him, a girl, and a baby, and he looked happy.

Was my first thought, "Oh good for him, he's happy" or at least a "That's nice"? No, my first thought was "Why does he get to be happy?". I wasted three years of my life on this guy, moved across the country for him, did everything imaginable for my happily ever after and what did I get in return? Emotional abuse.

Some of you may find it hard to believe, but I was the victim of emotional abuse and had I stayed there is no doubt in my mind it would've turned physical. But I got out and on the two day return trip home, I vowed to never be the victim again. Vowed never to give him a second thought. So why Google him?

I think we all have this masochistic need to wallow in the "what ifs". There was nothing good about that relationship, but what if he would have changed? What if I would've changed? What if farts smelled like roses and broccoli tasted like chocolate?

But the past doesn't change, farts will always stink and broccoli will never taste like chocolate. When I think of all the time I wasted, not only with him, but in my writing career it makes me feel sick. Sick that I didn't start sooner. Sick that I didn't follow my dreams. Sick that I let others dictate my emotions and future.

There is only one true cure for that sickness and that is to concentrate on your future. What you did yesterday doesn't matter. Didn't write? Ok, write now. Didn't call your friend? Call her now.... I think you get the point. The future is all yours, learn from the past, but embrace the future.

And if all else fails, stay away from Google.