Thursday, May 31, 2012

Depression Lies

Depression lies.

I read that in a The Bloggess yesterday and it really struck me. It struck me because it's the truth. Depression does lie.

Depression will tell you your husband doesn't care about you anymore because when you said you weren't feeling well, all he said was, "ok". Depression will tell you that your baby girl doesn't love you, because she currently prefers the company of her daddy. Depression will tell you that you can't talk to your friends about the way you're feeling because they will judge you as being a bad mom. Depression will tell you, you can't talk to your mom, because she raised three kids on a lot less, with a lot less support and did just fine. Depression will tell you, you can't call your sister because complaining about having a kid to a woman who can't have kids is insensitive.

Depression lies.

Depression will tell you all your dreams are coming true so you have no right to complain or feel sad. Depression will tell you that everyone will find you repugnant for not appreciating the very blessed life you live. Depression will tell you that running away is the answer, no one will care or notice until they're inconvenienced.

Depression lies.

I am familiar with the lies Depression tells. This is not the first time I've heard them. The first time I drowned the lies out with liquor. Thankfully, I had a good friend who looked out for me and made sure I always made it home safe and in my own bed. That time I did run away. I ran to Montana, then to North Carolina. I spent a long time running.

The second time I tried to suppress the lies with food. The additional 80 lbs I carry is testament that I still struggle with this addiction. I'm currently staring at a box of a dozen frosted cookies, like an alcoholic stares at a bottle of vodka. Depression tells  you that one more drink will make you forget. Depression tells you one more cookie won't make a difference. Depression tells you that even if you do become a drunk mess or a 500 lb slob, nobody will notice or care.

Depression lies.

Depression tells you that the last time you ran away it worked, you got better. Never mind the people you left behind. Depression will tell you your family is better off without you.
Depression lies.

I refuse to believe Depression's lies. I know my husband cares for me, even when he seems too busy to say or show it. I know my baby girl loves me, even though she prefers her daddy. I know my friends, family and loved ones will not judge me as a bad mom, no matter how ashamed I feel.

Even as I write this Depression tells me no one will read it and even if they do, they won't care.

But Depression lies.